8.You Use Guyliner

Fellas,

   You gotta be shi***g me. For those of our readers who do not know, Guyliner is when a "so called" man wears eyeliner. This fad was just recently brought to my attention and I am somewhat appalled. Are you in the movies or on TV? If not, then you are never to break into your mother's make-up bag and adorn your girlfriendless face with this nonsense. Eyeliner is not for men. Period. End of discussion. Did you decide this was the "statement" you needed to make after you polished off your fourth Appletini while crying your way through "The Notebook" for the seventeenth time? Did you have the urge to "change your look" while finishing a bottle of Peach Schnapps after venting to your bestest friend about how people need to be nicer to Adam Lambert? Does dolling your eyes up like a some street walking Brooklynite from 1977 make you feel attractive? If so, throw away your big boy pants, you don't deserve them anymore. 

Men, real men, do not use, and more importantly do not NEED to wear any sort of make-up. Real men need pants, shoes, and a shirt. That is it, nothing more and nothing less.  We don't need a paint sprayer and some stencils before heading out for "a night on the town." We put on a clean shirt and "go grab a few drinks." We don't "put our face on" and "meet up with our besties." We "throw on our jackets" and "go meet the guys." These are simple but vast differences. The only accessories we need, are ones we already have, confidence and a set of balls.

And now a message from Josh Yakovitz:

Oh, look at you.. You’re a rock star now, huh? You’ve got the ‘tude, and now you have the makeup to go with it. You’re young. You’re hip. You’re “with it.” You told them you were hardcore.

You were wrong. Look, someday someone is going to call you out on your little facade. And once that happens, you won’t be needing your compact and a steady hand. That’s because some guy is going to catch you giving the raccoon stare to his girl, and he’s going to give you all the black outline you’ll ever need for those pearly blue’s.

Let’s run down the list. Are you in theatre? Hey, that stage is far away and the audience needs to be able to see you. Ok. Are you in the movies? Promo shots are important to that business. Sometimes the mood of the photo demands some changes. Are you going to a Fall Out Boy concert? See, now that’s a red flag. Not only do you have horrible taste in music, you’re telling everyone there that you came because you like the music, not because you’re girlfriend dragged you there since you agreed to go so long as she goes with you to the midnight Terminator premier and Rambo marathon. Additional points reduced if you go alone, or with one of your mascara wearing “buds.”

What was the thought process that led you to even try this? Were you watching Good Charlotte videos on YouTube one afternoon and just thought “Man…I really like the way his eyes just ‘pop’.” Or, more likely, you saw the throngs of girls in the audience screaming and singing along, ready to jump their skinny jeans at a moment’s notice. I’ve got news for you, it’s not the guyliner making them go crazy, it’s the fact that they have no idea what talent actually is.

Lose the makeup. Get a band.

Gents, it's time to give it up and get normal. If you want to stand out do something insane, like develop a personality. Who you are isn't defined by how much Cover Girl your purchase over the counter at Macy's, it's defined by actual substance and depth as a human being. It's 2009, join the rest of us in this thing called reality. If you prefer looking like shi* ran over twice, good luck at that next job interview when you hear the words "Umm, you're just not what we're looking for. We need someone who we can put in front of customers without them deciding to choose Captain D's instead."

-Will Saulsbery and Josh Yakovitz