People,
Some of the trappings of manhood are accepting who you are, where your place is in the culture, what your plight is in life, and at what point you give up all hope that any that your real dreams will ever come true and realize that you’re simply another cog in the wheel that winds around the road that takes you to a life of servitude and eventually a stress related death. If you are a white guy with dreads….you have failed on all four of these you pathetic Sublime -loving poser. First off, you look absolutely ridiculous. Second, when anyone, and I mean anyone, with an IQ above 90 looks at you they think, “Get a load of this tool. Does he actually think that resembles anything remotely attractive? Does he know that Omaha, NE is nowhere near any kind of island? Does he know patchouli smells like a dead dog wrapped in skunk’s ass covered in three month old cheese?” Guys, there’s nothing wrong with being who you are. In fact, most people find your actual identity more pleasing to associate with than this pathetic persona you have that was built around four days during freshman year when your dorm mate and you sat back and listened to “Legend” on repeat “ for like three days dude,” and got “like totally baked.” Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t a damn thing wrong with liking Reggae, there’s nothing wrong with liking Bob Marley. He was a tremendous songwriter. There is something wrong with thinking you are from Jamaica or that you’re Rastafarian. Trust me, you aren’t. If you have a meal plan, a car manufactured after 2000, the ability to shop at Urban Outfitters or you local head shop to pick up the “dopest pipes in town man”, you don’t qualify you identity crisis having, walking trust fund.
Some of the trappings of manhood are accepting who you are, where your place is in the culture, what your plight is in life, and at what point you give up all hope that any that your real dreams will ever come true and realize that you’re simply another cog in the wheel that winds around the road that takes you to a life of servitude and eventually a stress related death. If you are a white guy with dreads….you have failed on all four of these you pathetic Sublime -loving poser. First off, you look absolutely ridiculous. Second, when anyone, and I mean anyone, with an IQ above 90 looks at you they think, “Get a load of this tool. Does he actually think that resembles anything remotely attractive? Does he know that Omaha, NE is nowhere near any kind of island? Does he know patchouli smells like a dead dog wrapped in skunk’s ass covered in three month old cheese?” Guys, there’s nothing wrong with being who you are. In fact, most people find your actual identity more pleasing to associate with than this pathetic persona you have that was built around four days during freshman year when your dorm mate and you sat back and listened to “Legend” on repeat “ for like three days dude,” and got “like totally baked.” Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t a damn thing wrong with liking Reggae, there’s nothing wrong with liking Bob Marley. He was a tremendous songwriter. There is something wrong with thinking you are from Jamaica or that you’re Rastafarian. Trust me, you aren’t. If you have a meal plan, a car manufactured after 2000, the ability to shop at Urban Outfitters or you local head shop to pick up the “dopest pipes in town man”, you don’t qualify you identity crisis having, walking trust fund.
Josh….
“Whaaat’s the deeeeaaaal with dreadlocks?” a poor Jerry Seinfeld impersonator might say. “Are you in dread? Do they lock up? Do they only lock up when you are dreadful? Whaaat’s the deal?”
Strangely, he does raise a point, although in the most annoying way possible. Now, I can be pretty lazy. There have been times when I just don’t feel like grabbing a shower and choose instead to slowly die in front of the TV. At no point, however, did I ever say ‘You know what? I don’t think I’m going to wash my hair for..oh…3 months. I bet mom will like that.”
And then, as if walking around like a wannabe Robert Pattison wasn’t enough, you take it one step further, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My head doesn’t look enough like Japanese tentacle porn,” and proceed to coil your hair into the latest Asian fetish. ..Because that should get you some respect.
You sit there in wonder as to why mommy and daddy don’t take you seriously when you ask them if you can move the band into the garage. Well, gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s the rat’s nest you voluntarily crafted on your skull. There are no good decisions following dreadlocks, except manning up and washing your damn hair. I can only assume this is due to the tight threading of hair pulling mercilessly on your already damaged brain.
If you have dreads, I offer you two alternatives. Either unwrap that spinning mass of disgust , or learn to play bass.
“Whaaat’s the deeeeaaaal with dreadlocks?” a poor Jerry Seinfeld impersonator might say. “Are you in dread? Do they lock up? Do they only lock up when you are dreadful? Whaaat’s the deal?”
Strangely, he does raise a point, although in the most annoying way possible. Now, I can be pretty lazy. There have been times when I just don’t feel like grabbing a shower and choose instead to slowly die in front of the TV. At no point, however, did I ever say ‘You know what? I don’t think I’m going to wash my hair for..oh…3 months. I bet mom will like that.”
And then, as if walking around like a wannabe Robert Pattison wasn’t enough, you take it one step further, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My head doesn’t look enough like Japanese tentacle porn,” and proceed to coil your hair into the latest Asian fetish. ..Because that should get you some respect.
You sit there in wonder as to why mommy and daddy don’t take you seriously when you ask them if you can move the band into the garage. Well, gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s the rat’s nest you voluntarily crafted on your skull. There are no good decisions following dreadlocks, except manning up and washing your damn hair. I can only assume this is due to the tight threading of hair pulling mercilessly on your already damaged brain.
If you have dreads, I offer you two alternatives. Either unwrap that spinning mass of disgust , or learn to play bass.
Verdad me amigo…
In closing ladies, your dreads look like a pile of dead snakes covered in stink bait. Do society and yourself a favor. Cut the damn things, give up the dream of becoming one with Ja, and get normal. You’re nothing special. You’re just the guy who caught the reggae train but stayed on a few stops too long after college graduation. If you are in love with delivering sandwiches till 3am every Saturday night or cleaning out the same friolater you cleaned sophomore year of high school when your biggest dream was to make assistant manager…feel free to keep them. If you want to live a life of dignity and self respect, buy some 3 in 1 oil for your old man’s weed eater and give him the joy of cleaning off that mess of failure you call your hair. He deserves it.
Will Saulsbery and Josh Yakovitz
In closing ladies, your dreads look like a pile of dead snakes covered in stink bait. Do society and yourself a favor. Cut the damn things, give up the dream of becoming one with Ja, and get normal. You’re nothing special. You’re just the guy who caught the reggae train but stayed on a few stops too long after college graduation. If you are in love with delivering sandwiches till 3am every Saturday night or cleaning out the same friolater you cleaned sophomore year of high school when your biggest dream was to make assistant manager…feel free to keep them. If you want to live a life of dignity and self respect, buy some 3 in 1 oil for your old man’s weed eater and give him the joy of cleaning off that mess of failure you call your hair. He deserves it.
Will Saulsbery and Josh Yakovitz
2 comments:
You're not a man if... you unapologetically reference Robert Pattison in a blog post. You are far, far less than that if you do so with a link to a pic of him with perfect bedhead and 2-week beard stubble.
[zing!]
Touche Mr. Sobel...Touche!
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